Unclaimed Treasures

How to answer “Why aren’t you married?”

25 ways to handle the interrogation of you, the beautiful Unclaimed Treasure

With arms closed in front of him, he approaches you at your new job and it is only your second day. His name is Gerald, a married guy with four kids. Since you arrived at this office yesterday, he stares at you and you do not want to know why. You figure I’ll ignore him and he will get preoccupied with something or someone else, and that way I can simply just focus on my new job. You visit the office Keurig machine and when you turn around with green tea in hand, there he is. “Why you ain’t married?” he asks with arms closed in front of the chest and with a demeanor of a police sergeant, he interrogates you. “they say you’re single. Why? you look good.” He did not begin the working relationship with light banter or mild inquiries like, “what do you like to do when you are not working?” No, Gerald must know why you have not joined the marriage club he is a member of.

This is a highly intrusive and annoying question. Whenever I answer this query truthfully, which is “I only wish to marry someone I am compatible with and I have not met that person”, the answer I get back is “I do not believe you” (they assume anyone can find a compatible partner easily). As a result, I no longer answer the question truthfully because I am usually met with disbelief. Below are some replies I have used in the past that usually stop the inquirer cold. I love living the lifestyle of the unclaimed treasure. It is a life that I can live on my own terms, and I am grateful. I am tired of apologizing for choosing to remain unclaimed rather than be with an incompatible partner.

Answers for the Unclaimed Treasure who gets Interrogated:

  1. Because the voices tell me to remain single
  2. Because you never proposed to me
  3. Because I never found a bridal dress/tux that I liked
  4. Hey, I proposed, but they said no
  5. I am allergic to vows
  6. I promised my parents I would remain single to take care of them as they become elderly
  7. I am an undercover nun
  8. I took a vow of lifelong celibacy
  9. I would not be a good spouse because my occupation takes me away from home six days out of seven days a week
  10. But who will put up with all of my uncaged exotic snakes at home?
  11. I need all the square footage in my home for me and me
  12. I sleep with my eyes open and that turns off some people
  13. But what will I do with my enormous vibrator collection that fills up all my drawer space?
  14. I have too many shoes
  15. Who will marry me with my 32 cats at home?
  16. Please forgive me. I have taken a vow of silence and it is supposed to start right… now (be sure to walk away after this one)
  17. But I am already engaged to my third cousin
  18. Oh my goodness, is today Tuesday? I just remembered I’m supposed to meet my fiancé at the city hall to get married in an hour. Bye now.
  19. I’m not sharing my closet
  20. I went to the County office to get a marriage license, and they declined it. They say I am not marriage material, really. How dare they?
  21. Is that your way of proposing to me? How long I have waited for this moment (hug your interrogator and they will be ready to run)!
  22. Did you fart (sniff, sniff)?
  23. I applied for a marriage membership card, but they did not approve of me.
  24. (Sniff, sniff) Do you smell that? Is there a gas leak in here?
  25. The alien planet that I originally came from did not permit marriage among us humans, so now that I live on earth may be ill try it.

In all seriousness, if people often ask you the above question, it is usually their way of giving you a compliment. They notice one or more characteristics about you that are attractive, desirable, and/or marriageable. Often happily married people ask this question because they think you are amazing and want you to be part of their couples’ club. There are other times when someone with a romantic and/or sexual interest in you will ask this question because they can not believe their good fortune. This person is probably thinking, “she’s single? How can that be? She is breezy!”. No matter the reason, I really wish people would refrain from asking that question, especially before even getting to know the unmarried individual. I also get annoyed with that inquiry because as an African American female it is common for black American females to be unmarried (70% of African American women are unmarried) (blackdemographics), so I do not appreciate being treated like a unicorn. I know no one else does either.

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